(no subject) [Usually called the doctor. Or the caretaker.]

I watched 50 First Dates for the first time a few years after it came out. Ranj hated Adam Sandler movies. We never saw them in theatres.

It came out after Ranj's stroke, and I didn't watch it until after it had become clear--no matter how much I was in denial--that his brain damage was profound and irreversible, and that it was getting worse over time. By 2006 or 2007 when I watched the movie for the first time, he'd started becoming irrational and short-tempered. He was subject to idées fixes that were mostly harmless and slightly annoying but sometimes actually harmful, mostly to him. Sometimes to me.

I had to tell him stuff over and over again. We had the same conversations a lot. As the years wore on, he was always in pain. He got angry a lot, was frustrated a lot, got...disturbingly sad...a lot. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could ever do.

And 50 First Dates reminds me of all that.

I felt, after his stroke, like people blamed me for not loving him enough to manage to fix him. Maybe some of them did--I think I'm pretty sure some of them did. I know I blamed myself for not being able to fix him, or at least to manage his illness better. Make it less scary for him. Make it less scary for me.

I have so many regrets.

But I don't know what I could do differently even if I had the chance.

June

Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
	1	2	3	4	5	6
7	8	9	10	11	12	13
14	15	16	17	18	19	20
21	22	23	24	25 1	26	27
28	29	30

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

i had no idea you two were going through all of that.
you did what you could. you loved him and i'm sure he knew that.
he was lucky to have you in his life.

[link] [reply]

You couldn't have done anything, and it wasn't your responsibility to do so. All the love in the world cannot fix brain damage, sweetie. It just can't. Love isn't magic, it's just love.

what she said.

[link] [parent] [reply]

Love can't do much of anything to cure health issues, but it can make it more tolerable for both participants.

There's still a lot to work through.

It can also trap people into thinking that they should be able to fix things, when they can't. And into putting up with stuff they should not put up with. And a whole slew of other not so positive patterns that don't do anyone any good.

Nobody can fix another person -- not even to change their habits, much less cure brain damage.

Sending you supportive thoughts.

Stroke, and any kind of brain injury, is horrible because it is so invisible. A horrible thing to have to go through - and to deal with - even if you're not the one who suffered the stroke.

*hugs*

By and I have talked about this, the past couple of years. Especially after Grandma pulls one of her stunts. His behavior post-stroke, especially the last two years, was a lot like her behavior in very old age.

You and Mom went/are going through similar situations, being caregivers for brain-damaged people. And you've expressed very similar frustrations.

All I can tell either of you is that you did everything anyone could reasonably ask, and then some. You have nothing to feel guilty for; you've behaved with honor and compassion. And now you need to spend that honor and compassion caring for yourself.

Anyone that says otherwise can go suck something nasty.

J beat me to it. *hugs*

I had to tell him stuff over and over again. We had the same conversations a lot. As the years wore on, he was always in pain. He got angry a lot, was frustrated a lot, got...disturbingly sad...a lot. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could ever do.

I went through a lot of that with my ex, although in her case it was an on-going process rather than a single traumatic event. After 7 years, I'm still trying to let go of my self-loathing over not being able to fix her.

As I'm sure many have told you, it's not your fault. In the end, all you can fix is yourself.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something, anything, that would help you feel differently. I will mention that feeling powerless to stop the suffering of someone you love is horrible. Sometimes we concentrate on their pain, not even recognizing that we have our own as well.

"I don't know what I could do differently even if I had the chance."

You did everything it was possible to do, love can't fix the very broken and although I only know you little from this journal, I can say with confidence that you will have done everything in your power, and ten times that. And it was enough.

What everyone else said. I am confident that you did everything you had it in your power to do for him. If anyone else blamed you for anything, they were misguided and wrong. We all know you loved him and did your best by him.

I am coming to have an inkling of how you may have felt, though, since I can't help thinking sometimes that I somehow failed Aries, else he'd still be here. :(