Usually called the doctor. Or the caretaker.

I made a casserole the other night for the first time in a really long time. (I have on occasion in the past ten years made a sort of lasagne jumble, but I don't feel it counts as a casserole, probably because it lacks all the components except "some kind of pasta".)

My mother was an inveterate maker of casseroles. This was her favourite:

1/2 bag egg noodles, the broad sheetlike floppy ones
1 can off-brand cream of mushroom soup, low-sodium if possible, such that it contains no hope of flavour
2 to 3 cups frozen peas
1 can corned beef-like substance¹

Boil the egg noodles until they are slightly overdone, then partially drain them and leave them to sit slumping in the remaining water like a sulky child in its bath. Dump the undiluted cream of mushroom soup (in which nary a mushroom may be seen) into a large casserole and scoop the noodles in on top. Stir them together with a flagellant, punishing motion. Add the peas. Continue to chastise until thoroughly mixed. Slice the beef-like substance and shingle the top of the mixture.

Put in a 350° oven until everyone feels a sense of impending doom. This usually only takes about 20 minutes, but on a good tv night it may take longer. Persevere. Remove and serve.

Her other go-to dinner was this one:

A lot of rice
1 can of tuna in water
1 can off-brand cream of mushroom soup, low-sodium if possible²
2 or 3 cups of frozen peas
bread crumbs or grated cheddar

Cook the rice, burning it to the pan in the process, because you are a terrible cook. Leave the enamelled rice pan, now encrusted with carbonised rice, to your daughter to wash, shouting at her if she cannot scrub away the discolouration from the white enamel interior. In a large casserole, dump the cream of mushroom soup, the can of tuna, drained, and the frozen peas. Prod inexorably at the tuna until it loses all sense of cohesion and falls into minute specks. Stir firmly, adding rice scooped from the still-unburnt centre of the pan. Top with breadcrumbs or, as a special treat, breadcrumbs and a minute amount of grated cheese. Bake in a 350° oven until you can stand it no longer. Remove and serve.



1. If you have never seen it, it looks like this. Be afraid.


2. After my sister was born, my mother decided that sodium was bad for babies and stopped using salt. I'm surprised we didn't all get goiters.